Eric Cartman's Fool Proof Plan to Break Up with Heidi Turner
by lonegungal17
Summary: Eric Cartman has a plan to get Heidi Turner to break up with him, all he needs is for Kyle to be his boyfriend. Takes place during the episode Super Hard PCness. Pairing: Kyman


A/N: Written for the Kyman Secret Santa gift exchange for officialcartman. Takes place during the episode Super Hard PCness.

Eric Cartman wasn't afraid of many things. Not spiders, not the dark and not ghosts. Okay, maybe that one a little. But there was one thing that scared him most: his girlfriend, Heidi Turner. Part of him knew he had created this monster. She had been a nice person, down right sweet, until he had got his paws on her. He had changed her, she was now an overweight, ugly, mean bully that demanded the dreaded snuggles at all times. He had found it funny at first when she had become more like him, but somewhere along the way she had took it too far. She belittled everyone in their social circle, murdered salient creatures and threated him every time he disagreed with her slightly. He might have been a little bad now and then, but she was worst by a long shot. The last straw had been when she had referred to his mom as a whore. Who did that little bitch even think she was?

It was that exchange that had lead him to the front door of the Broflovski residence with a fool proof plan. He just needed one more person to complete it: Kyle. As much as he hated to admit, the Jew was the only one that could keep him in check, the only one not afraid of his dark side. His biggest rival but also his conscience. If he was going to escape Cartman 2.0, he would need Kyle's help.

Cartman fiddled with the gift bag in his hand before summoning the courage to knock on the door. The door opened to reveal Kyle's bitch mom. He had to swallow his pride. 'Why hello Mrs. Broflovski.'

Sheila frowned down at Cartman, before he could continue, and she turned back towards the living room. 'Kyle, your little friend is here.'

'Stan?'

'No, the fat one,' Sheila answered, smirking at Cartman before walking away.

Cartman balled his fists at his sides and whispered, 'Bitch.'

'What do you want, fatass?' Kyle appeared at the door, leaning against the frame. His red freshly styled hair hanging loose around his face.

Eric's eyes locked on the Jew's hair. 'Where's your hat?' He had to admit, Kyle's hair looked better than the normal rat's nest he normally hid under his hat. The new hair cut suited him and his hair looked so soft. Part of him wanted to reach forward and touch it but maybe he'd save that for one of his midnight visits.

'In the wash. Anything else I can help you with?'

'You just look so different… kind of weird without it. Cartman pushed the gift at him. 'I got a present and a proposition for you.'

Kyle narrowed his eyes, taking the bag from Cartman and looking inside. 'Hanukkah isn't until tomorrow.'

'It's not more gold for your collection but I thought you might like it,' Cartman shrugged.

Kyle held up the MC Deidel Saves the World game, examining it before placing it back in the bag. 'Thanks, but not interested in bribes.' He shoved the bag back into Cartman's hands. 'Bye, fatass,' he said, trying to close the door.

Cartman jumped forward blocking the door from closing with his foot. 'Wait! Surely, even giving you, a Chanukah present buys me at least five minutes of your time.'

Kyle sighed, grabbing the bag from Cartman's hand again. 'Fine, five minutes' he said, releasing the door and nodding his head towards the stairs.

Cartman removed his hat and smoothed down his hair with his hand as he followed Kyle up to his bedroom. Once inside, Kyle motioned for him to sit at his desk while he sat down on the edge of his own bed.

'Okay, spill what do you want anyway?'

Cartman looked away. Part of him hadn't believed his plan would even make it this far. Now he felt ashamed of the favor he needed to ask for. 'I need your help…'

'What did you do now, Cartman?'

Cartman pinched his eyebrows together. 'I…'

'Spit it out, fatass!'

'I need you to be my boyfriend,' Cartman stammered.

Kyle stood up from his bed, his face resembling a tomato. 'What the hell?'

Cartman stood quickly approaching the Jew. Kyle was definitely going to punch him. He grabbed Kyle's fist before he could swing at his head. 'Wait, calm down. Just hear me out first.'

Kyle growled as he tried to wrestle his hand away from Cartman. 'What is this? Are you seriously trying to ask me out? Cause that is a big fat no. Plus, don't you remember you're dating Heidi.'

Cartman held Kyle's strong arms at his sides. 'Heidi is why I want to pretend to date you. Pretend, just pretend,' Cartman shouted. 'It's literally my only way out, without her killing me.'

Kyle shook his arms away. 'The fuck are you talking about?'

Cartman picked up his beanie again, squeezing it tightly into a ball. 'Heidi won't break up with me,' he explained, each word coming out broken. 'I can't do it anymore. She's horrible, Kyle. She bullies everyone, including me.'

'You made her that way, Cartman. She's your clone. You two were just finishing each other's sentences earlier today, calling me my mom.'

Carman shook his head, trying not to laugh. 'No, Kyle she is far worst then me. She won't let me go. She said the only way she would break up with me was if I was gay or dead.'

Kyle laughed. 'Carman, seriously?'

Cartman fell to his knees, hugging Kyle's legs. 'You've seen her. I can barely hold her off in a fight. I have to pretend I still like her to keep her from kicking my ass, that's the only time she stops.'

'Dude, get a hold of yourself. She's a girl, she isn't going to hurt you.'

'Really, Kyle? Don't you remember when Wendy kicked my ass? Heidi is like four Wendys with access to her dad's power tools,' Cartman shouted.

Kyle laughed.

'This isn't a laughing matter, Jew. She's dangerous and so mean,' Cartman whined. 'She calls me fat, ugly and says my mom is a whore.'

Kyle frowned pulling Cartman to his feet. 'Come on, dude. Get a hold of yourself.'

Cartman wiped his nose on his sleeve. 'She really scares me. I'm not brave like you.'

Kyle rolled his eyes. 'True but why do I need to get involved with you dumping your girlfriend?'

'She thinks you're gay, Kyle.'

'What? I'm not gay,' Kyle corrected him, his face burning red.'

'Doesn't really matter,' Cartman assured him.

'I'm not!' Kyle shouted.

Cartman put his hands on Kyle's shoulders. 'Okay, whatever, Jew. You're as straight as I am. As I said, it doesn't matter anyway.' Kyle glared at him as Cartman continued. 'I just need someone that is believably gay, so Heidi will give up on me and move onto her next prey.'

'I'm not gay, fatass,' Kyle reminded him again. 'Why don't you ask Tweek or Craig?'

'Really? They are a couple. Plus, you've never had a girlfriend, you look like a hot little twink and we have this excellent love/ hate thing going on. It's perfect,' Cartman explained.

'That's because I really do hate you,' Kyle said, deadpanned.

Cartman rolled his eyes to mask the hurt in his voice. 'Doesn't manner. I consider you to be my best friend, Kyle, and I trust you the most.'

'I'm not your best friend, Kenny is.'

'That poor piece of trash? Nope, never. You're the one that looks after me and calls me on my bullshit when I need someone to. Kenny only cares about tits,' Cartman explained sincerely looking the Jew in his green eyes as he let his hands run down Kyle's arms to his hands. They were sweaty and warm just like his. 'So please be my boyfriend, Kyle.'

Kyle paused for a moment to bite his lip, before shaking his head. 'Sorry, fatass. You'll have to find someone else to lie to your girlfriend with, cause I'm out.'

'Fine, you damn Jew,' Cartman threw his hands in the air. 'I'll just keep suffering then until she finally kills me. Thanks for nothing, friend!' Cartman shouted

Kyle crossed his arms over his chest and turned away as Cartman stormed out of his room, slamming Kyle's bedroom door on his way downstairs.

He couldn't believe Kyle had let him down. He frowned pouting at the snow in the Broflovski front yard. Maybe the Jew was right, maybe he should have begged Kenny instead. He sighed, knowing Kyle was the only one of his friends smart enough to master the level of manipulation needed for his plan to work. Kenny, Stan or either of the gays wouldn't work. Cartman glanced up toward the Jew's bedroom window, wondering if Kyle would ever consider him a real friend. His phone buzzed in his pocket and for a moment he thought Kyle had changed his mind. He was hit with disappointment as he saw Heidi's name appear scrolled across the screen. His red eyes lowered, and his body shivered at the thought of speaking to her. He couldn't deal with her right now.

Cartman hid behind his open locker door, so far so good. Things were looking up today. He had successfully avoided both Heidi and Kyle on the bus this morning by convincing his mom to drive him to school, with a bonus egg McMuffin on the way. He glanced around him before closing his locker door, if he could make it to homeroom, maybe he could avoid her the rest of the morning.

'Eric Cartman!'

His body tensed at the sound of his name. He turned to find his girlfriend glaring at him with her hands resting on her hips. Her mid-section was peeking out the bottom of her coat, the buttons holding on for dear life. Had she gained another ten pounds over the weekend?

He shook his head trying to ignore her appearance and concentrated on the floor. 'Hey…babe.'

'Don't hey babe me, Eric, where were you last night? I know you saw my text, I told you to come over, so we could watch TV and snuggle. I called three times and heard nothing back from you. You know better than to ignore my calls and texts.'

Cartman grunted but replied with a whispered, 'Sorry babe, I was busy.'

Heidi shoved him against the lockers. 'Are you even listening to me? Relationships are a two-way street, Eric. You make me so angry when you ignore me.'

Cartman rubbed his wounded shoulder. 'Damn it, I said I was sorry, Heidi. Lay off.'

Heidi smacked him across the face. 'You never show me any respect. I'm the only one that likes you, Eric. Without me, no one would even talk to such a fat loser like you.' Heidi pushed Cartman back again, pinning him against the lockers. 'What were you even doing that was so much more important then spending time with your girlfriend?'

Classmates started to gather around them, Cartman's tried to wiggle free as he glanced around at all the judging faces. He just had to calm her down, so she wouldn't kick his ass in front of everyone again. 'Heidi, babe can we go discuss this in private?'

'No. Let me guess the train your mom was pulling last night was so big, it blocked the front door?'

Cartman pinched his lips together as he shook with anger as everyone in the hallway broke into laughter. 'Don't talk about my mom like that!'

'Why, everyone already knows she's a whore?' Heidi said.

'He was with me,' Cartman turned towards the voice in the crowded and was relieved to see the Jew step in front of Heidi.

Heidi loosen her grip on Cartman and sized up Kyle. 'Eric, if you were desperate for a new mother figure my mom would have baked cookies with you.'

Kyle's face went red as the crowded chuckled. She really was a bitch. 'Shut up, Heidi.'

Heidi sneered between Kyle and Cartman. 'Why would you go to the dumb Jew's house anyway?'

Cartman sighed and tried to take Heidi's hand. 'Babe. I just needed some guy time, Kyle got a new game for Hanukkah.

Heidi slapped his hand away. 'Again? You idiot, you know if you don't raise your history grade we won't be able to run for student council next month. What were you thinking?'

Kyle held his hands up. 'Sorry Heidi, I just needed another player. I didn't know he should have been studying. It was just a misunderstanding, so maybe we can all just go to class now?'

'Can it, mom! No one asked you,' Heidi said, pushing Kyle away before poking Eric in the chest. 'We have to keep you away from bad influences like that Jew. I know what's best for you and you are going to start treating me with the respect I deserve or pay the price.' Her fingers curled into a ball and she held it against his face.

Cartman could hear the other kids whispering words like pussy, wimp, whipped and loser around him as the cold eyes of his girlfriend glared at him. He could feel his skin heating up and his breathing shuddered as he managed the word, 'Heidi,' as he closed his eyes ready for impact.

Instead a warm hand pulled him down the row of lockers. His eyes opened following the hand to Kyle's pale arm.

'I think you're the bad influence, Heidi,' Kyle said, venom on his tongue. Cartman's eyes widened as his hand was squeezed firmly by Kyle's. 'Cartman deserves better than a bitch like you.'

Heidi rolled her eyes with a chuckle. 'Really? I think he's fucking lucky to have me. After all, no one else wants him.'

Cartman's face fell. She was right.

Kyle looked at Cartman, noticing the tears building in the corners of his eyes. 'You're wrong,' he said, leaning over to kiss Cartman on the lips.

Cartman froze. Even when he had come up with his plan, he hadn't thought beyond holding hands in the school hallway to get Heidi to dump him. Now the Jew was holding his chin with one hand to keep him at the right angle and pressing his surprising soft lips against his. Kyle was kissing him, like really kissing him. It felt good, better than any kiss he'd had before from Heidi. It was electric and exciting. Yet, warm and relaxing. When the Jew pulled away, Cartman could only stare at Kyle as he whispered, 'Holy shit.'

Kyle looked away nervously. Trying not to focus on Cartman or his shocked classmates.

'You kissed me.'

'Yeah, I guess I did,' Kyle agreed, struggling to look Cartman in the eye.

'That was so hot,' Cartman replied, unable to stop looking at Kyle's lips.

Kyle turned completely red. 'Any chance you want a boyfriend?' He asked, shooting Heidi daggers.

Cartman laughed, squeezing the other boy's hand. 'Hell yeah.'

Kyle motioned his head down the hallway as he tugged on Cartman's hand. 'Let's go, Eric.'

Heidi grabbed Cartman's other hand. 'Where do you think you're going with this freak?'

'I'm walking my new boyfriend to class,' Cartman explained.

Heidi looked like she might explode. 'You're gay now? Since when?'

Kyle squeezed his hand again as Cartman answered, 'Since about two minutes ago.'

Heidi frowned. 'You leave with him and we're over, Eric. I will never take you back. I'll find someone better than you.'

Cartman glanced from Kyle to Heidi. 'Okay. Good riddance, fatty!' Their classmates laughed as Heidi took off towards the girl's bathroom.

When the crowd thinned, Cartman turned to Kyle. 'Thanks, Jew. That was perfect, she'll never want to date me again.'

Kyle smiled, dropping their linked hands. 'I'm glad I could help with your plan,'

Cartman looked down at his empty hand before grabbing Kyle's shoulders so he couldn't walk away. 'Umm… Kyle did you mean any of that?'

Kyle looked around nervously. 'Maybe… some of it.' He shrugged.

'In that case, could we stay together a little longer then? Maybe go on some dates and kiss some more,' Cartman said, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

'I guess there is no extra harm in that,' Kyle said leaning into Cartman's shoulder, 'but you're coming to Hanukkah dinner tonight on your best behaviour and if you call my mom a bitch we're over.'

'Deal. Anything for you, Jew.'


End file.
